Ruined Read online

  I feel the heat creep over my face as he looks up, for a moment he scans the room while still playing. My body knows he’s seen me before our eyes lock, my cheeks are burning as he meets my gaze. I’m not sure if the music really stopped or it's just that my head is swimming with memories so vivid I can't hear anything. Suddenly it’s as if I'm 18 again, the fog on the cars windows so thick the moonlight could barely illuminate our naked bodies. I’m straddling him as he thrusts up inside me. Our mouths sharing one breath as we take turns panting and moaning, not knowing where his sweat begins and mine ends. His hands tangled in my hair and my nails raking down his back, me begging him not to stop. He yanks my head back by my hair and bites down on my shoulder, a moan escaping my lips.

  “Sloan?” I hear my name roll off his tongue, and I’m snapped back to the present. I fight off a flood of memories, begging to pull me under. Standing in front of me is the man from the corner. A man who still haunts my wet dreams, a man I never thought I would see again. A man who was once a boy, a boy whose heart I happily took when I couldn’t give him my own.

  I choke on my words. “Noah?”

  Chapter 2

  Sloan

  Sloan?

  Have you ever felt that feeling of being thrown through time, of being thrust back into a moment when you weren’t who you are now? Just hearing my name on his lips sends a shiver down my spine. I wonder if he can see the goosebumps on my arms, or the heat creeping across my face. I can still see the teenage boy who consumed my every thought. I can feel the insecure love addicted girl vibrating under my skin. He still has that tousled dark brown hair that falls around his face, and those honey brown eyes. How they used to pierce my skin, leaving behind a blushing trail every time he looked at me. Still the same wide strong jaw, but with a 5 o’clock shadow. His face doesn't hold the innocence that it used to, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in the 5 years since we last saw each other. I’ve spent every day since trying to forget what happened, what I did. I was just a teenager back then, so full of emotions and no idea how to handle what was being thrown at me. I wish it was easier to excuse my actions on naivety and age. Anger had always been my go to breakdown, choosing to lash out with actions and words that I didn’t always mean when holding back became too much. Noah and I were both 18 the last time I saw him, but the pain in my chest at the sight of him standing in front of me feels like it was just yesterday. I haven’t felt a wave of emotion like this since we went our separate ways, and all of sudden I feel like I’m choking on all the unsaid words between us.

  “Holy hell! I thought that was you!” Noah says while he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. Noah is touching me for the first time in 5 years, and all my nerve endings are bursting back to life. I gulp and breathe him in, and suddenly I can’t remember If I loved the smell of rain before him or because of him. My mind and body are both in a state of shock, unsure if this is real or just a hallucination. “What’re you doing here? Damn, it’s been like years since we last hung out?”

  Hung out. I pull away from him as those words hit my chest like a ton of bricks and I think of when I last saw him. Closing myself off while tears streamed down my face as I lied to him. It’s not like I’m in love with you, so what does it matter, were my last words to him before this moment, and he stared at me with cold dead eyes that before that day I didn’t think he was capable of.

  “Elena! I’ve been looking for you,” Noah turns to her before I can muster up any words. My eyebrows fly up, scenarios running rampant through my mind as to why he would be looking for her. “I hope it’s cool Eli invited me?” Noah wraps her in a light side hug, pulling her in and her arms wrapping loosely around him. Elena giggles as he lets her go and steps away from. Elena then looks at me, seeing my face and I watch her eyes go wide and her teeth rake over her bottom lip.

  “Noah and I went to highschool together, we didn't really run in the same crowd but I was always close to his friend Eli.” Elena nervously explains while twisting at the tips of her hair. Turning back to him, she lightly slaps his shoulder. “Of course it’s cool! Where is Eli?”

  “Oh you know him,” Noah winks at her before continuing. “He’s around here somewhere.” Noah pauses, “How do you know Sloan?” He asks Elena, but his eyes wander over to meet mine. Pulling back my emotions that are rising to the surface, and smoothing out my face, looking unbothered.

  “Elena is my cousin, and I just moved in. You know I can’t remember the last time we hung out, it’s been years.” I lie quickly, interrupting their conversation. I need to keep him away from me, keep him hating me for what I did to us, to him. Because the fact remains that while he has always been the only one to pull my raw emotions to the surface, I don’t know how to control my burning desire to suck every last thing from him. I’ll never stop being a poison to him, and I’ll never be able to tell him the truth about that day.

  “So how do you two know each other?” Dean interrupts, eyes quizzical. I almost forgot that he was still standing next to me.

  “Oh, we fucked, multiple times.” Noah states, and I watch Dean's eyes widen and Elena's jaw drop at his crude answer. I narrow my gaze in on him briefly, letting my irritation seep through my eyes. He catches my look, and laughs before continuing. “We dated. Briefly, the summer after we graduated high school. Never could get the timing quite right.” Noah corrects and now winks at me. Noah holds out his hand briefly to Dean, the two exchanging introductions. He seems so different, I know everyone changes over time but this light hearted air surrounding him is catching me off guard. He was always a slave to his heart and emotions, but the Noah before me is unfazed, controlled even. It makes me start to doubt what we had, maybe I romanticized it in my head. Maybe I didn’t cut him as deep as I thought I had.

  “So wait, you’re that Noah?! I never put two and two together.” Elena bursts beside me, dramatically tapping the side of her side as if she were an airhead. She’s practically giddy with the idea of knowing the guy who once made me care so deeply that no one since has even come close.

  “That’s me. So you've mentioned me a few times huh?” Noah casually asks, grinning and flashing a dimple. “I’m flattered,” Elena looks annoyed and rolls her eyes. Noah was always confident in himself, just a little shy. But the man standing before me is dominating, maybe even a little cocky.

  Just then I’m aware of a small slender girl sneaking up and hooking her arm around Noah's backside. She looks young, definitely younger than us. She has straight long blonde hair, tiny brown eyes, and looks up at Noah like he’s the only one in the room. Noah doesn’t break eye contact with me, and that's when I realize he’s been staring at me this whole conversation. He’s looking into my eyes with that dark stare of his that I’m sure is reserved only for me, but there's something new there. It almost looks like there's a question lurking behind it.

  “Hi, I’m Shelby. I’m here with Noah, it's nice to meet y'all.” The young blonde by his side says, and I'm floored. A girlfriend maybe? I shouldn’t care. We haven't seen each other since we were 18, and even then we were only together for a few months. Maybe I didn’t even have the impact on his life that he had on mine. Maybe the depth of our relationship wasn’t the same for him. I keep trying to ask myself why I care, why am I letting him get to me. I was the one who ended things. We both moved on with our lives, so it shouldn't come as a shock that he has a girlfriend. It’s been years later, and I still have to keep telling myself that I moved on. I’ve had countless flings, some throwaway boyfriends, so why am I letting a few looks from Noah rattle me.

  We’re both 23 now and have lived separate lives that have nothing to do with one another, I made sure of that. So why did I feel a pang in my chest when she introduced herself. We all give our names and say a short hello to Shelby, and we talk about how it's a strange turn of events. Noah tells us about after the summer he graduated high school he took off for Dallas, spending time with his dad and playing his music in any bar that would take him. Taki
ng music classes in college and teaching private guitar lessons. He’s only been back home for a few weeks, and doesn’t know how long he’ll stay. I knew he took off after our breakup but I didn’t know he stayed away all this time, I wouldn’t allow myself to look for him. I tell Noah and Shelby about my photography work, how I spend most days shooting engagement photos and weddings. Capturing those tender loving moments for other people. That moment of clarity crossing someone's features when they're looking at the person that holds their heart. I’ve always been able to see it, even the briefest of flashes, but never able to duplicate for myself. Maybe that’s why I’m always drawn to the intimate loving shoots between two people, because what I want to capture can’t be faked, even if it’s fleeting. Noah holds his gaze over me, topic after topic, his eyes never leaving my direction for too long. Elena tells us how she and Noah went to the same high school, and she briefly dated one of his friends. I never thought of Wells Grove as a small world, until right now when it feels like all of mine are colliding. Shelby tells us how she met Noah 2 weeks ago at their apartment building, and they hit it off right away.

  I think back to the sweet teenager he used to be, head always filled with music and dreams. I blame myself for how wrong things went between us, how I poisoned such a carefree boy and turned him into the man standing in front of us. For how dark and twisted he became by being with me. I think back to that time when I was just a screwed up teenager and wanted everything to burn, I never meant for him to get caught in the flames. I steal a glance in his direction while Elena and Shelby are discussing bad haircuts, and he catches me instantly. I should look away, break whatever spell is caught in the middle, but I don’t and neither does he. Why am I so breathless over a guy I haven't spoken to in years? Why are his eyes so captivating? I shouldn’t be thinking about him, I should turn around and walk out of his life again. I remember how he used to run his thumb over my lips just before kissing me, how I used to rake my nails down his back in the heat of the moment, I’ve always been a scratcher. I wonder if he still has those marks down his back I left after our first time together? STOP. I tell myself, stop thinking about something that happened years ago. I’m dragging up old memories that are better left in the past or when I’m alone in the dark of my room. I wonder though, is that what he’s thinking about every time he looks at me? Is he remembering how good we were? We might have young and stupid, but we stole every passionate moment that we could. Not only that, but we were riding a high that could never be matched, he was my favorite addiction and I was hoping everyday that we weren't running on borrowed time.

  Suddenly I’m hot, and I need a cigarette to calm down. I excuse myself from the group and head to the door leading out to the garage. I don't go out on the patio because I know other party goers will be filtering in and out, and I need a moment alone. I head out through the already open garage door and slip to the side of the house where I know I won't be disturbed. I’m not much of a smoker unless it’s the occasional bowl, but sometimes after a few drinks I like to steal a pack from Elena and wind down my nerves. Seeing Noah tonight was too much of a shock to the system, running into the first man to ever get under my skin has me reeling. I don't know why I can't shut down the vivid memories of us, and why I want to feel his thumb across my lips again. It’s just because you're vulnerable and have a history, it doesn't mean anything I keep repeating to myself. I keep reminding myself to breathe in deep and to not get caught up in years old emotions that have nothing to do with who you are now.

  I hear footsteps approaching me from the garage as I take a drag, I close my eyes and lean my head back “Sorry Elena, I just needed a second. You know how my head gets all fucked up and seeing Noah made me want a smoke.” I call out, waiting for her to slide in next to me. Keeping my eyes closed and head back as I relax into the brick wall, I offer out the cig in my hand for her to take a drag. Large rough long fingers brush against mine and take the cig, my eyes fly open to find that it is not Elena who came out here to find me, but Noah. His lean frame against the wall next to me, his shoulder is eye level, and I remember how tall he is compared to me. I’m not a short girl at 5’7, but Noah has to be at least over 6 feet now.

  I must be staring with my mouth open because he snorts and says, “Believe me I’m just as shocked to run into you, and if anyone knows how fucked up your head is, it’s me.”

  “What are you doing out here? The patio is right off the kitchen, can't you go smoke somewhere else?” I ask, a hint of annoyance in my voice.

  “I saw you head this way, I wanted to have a chat.” he says, choosing now to not bother looking at me.

  “Look, it’s good to see you. I’m happy you're doing well but you can go back to Shelby,” I toss her name out, tasting a touch of jealousy on my tongue. “I’m really not in the mood tonight. I don't know what you want, but honestly just go away.” I spit out, and grind my teeth together. He turns and looks at me then, really looks at me. His dark eyes seem like they are holding something back. He takes another drag of my cigarette before tossing it on the ground. He steps closer, slight caution in his walk as he dips his head down until I feel his lips against my ears.

  “Are you not happy to see me Sloan?” The sound of my name rolling off his tongue, makes my knees shake slightly. “Still so angry, you know I could help you let off some steam,” he whispers, “I wonder, do you ever think about me? Do you still like to be bent over-” I shove him away before he can finish that sentence. Who does this man think he is?

  “What the hell Noah? You have a girlfriend inside, and you're sneaking around out here with me!?” I scream in a whisper at him. He only smiles at me, and again moves closer. He moves so fast, gripping my hip and trapping me between his body and the wall. One hand then traces up and down my hip while he braces the other above me. I’m breathing deep and with each inhale my breasts brush against his hard chest.

  “Shelby is none of your concern, I’m free to do as I please,” his tone turns venomous as he gazes deep into my eyes. “I’m not like you, Sloan. If I ever promise to be faithful, I am.” My breath stops as I let his words hit me, knowing how long he’s been waiting to plunge that knife in my chest.

  “I also heard that you're recently single, all I'm saying is us running into each other can't just be a coincidence. If you wanted to have some fun like we used to, I’m at your disposal.” All I can do is stare at him, my eyes full of questions my lips aren’t asking. Is this really just falling in my lap? Could it really be that easy to have him back in my life?

  “Fun?” I scoff, “You're serious? We haven't seen each other in years and this is what you have to say to me? Do you seriously just expect me to say yes? What the hell is wrong with you!?” I’m still whispering, hoping no one is looking for us. He moves his knee to where it's braced between my legs. His lean thigh brushing against the rough jean material covering my hot center. Noah leans in until his chest is fully pressed hard against mine, he locks eyes with me and lets out a long breath.

  “I’m dead serious. I know it’s been a long time, Sloan, but you can’t deny that we have chemistry. We were always good at one thing together, and-” he leans toward my ear, brushing his lips against it, “I know you want it, just look at you. Your legs are shaking and you're breathing so hard as you practically hump my leg. I can see your red cheeks, I would even go as far to bet you're wet right now.” His hand that was on my hip moves to grip my ass as he removes his leg from in between mine to stand straighter. Noah then lifts me up to him, his lips brushing soft kisses below my ear. I need to stop this, my body might want Noah right now, but my mind and heart won’t let me do this. I forcibly closed the door that led to him years ago. Giving into him won’t make anything better, won’t absolve me of the sins I’ve committed against him.

  “Noah..” I moan as my body then again betrays my mind. I’m on my tiptoes, as his hands that are still gripping my ass pull me in and grind me against his already hard dick that's pressing against his jeans. I reach u
p and wrap my arms around his neck, tilting my head to the side to give him better access. My thoughts are racing with indecisiveness, because it feels too good to be wanted, to be held. Maybe he is right, we were always good at one thing and right now I need an outlet. Before I can decide Noah drops his hands from me and peels away even faster than he came at me. He moves his hands into his pockets, and that's when I see a figure approaching us.

  “Noah! Sloan! What’re y'all doing out here?” I hear Shelby ask as she gets closer.

  “Smoking,” we say in almost perfect unison, Shelby slides her hand into his and laughs. I realize I'm holding my breath.

  “Noah, you smoke?” she laughs out. I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes at the fact that she has no idea who he even is.

  “Blame Sloan, she practically shoved it into my hand.” He holds up his hands in defense then adds, “we were just catching up for old times sake,” and I wonder if he was always this talented of a liar.